Category: Coaching

I don’t remember where I was first recommended Playing Big by Tara Mohr, I think it was probably embedded in an article, or list of self development books somewhere. But unlike other things I’ve poured over recently, I do remember reading it.

Mohr begins by setting the scene, describing what most women know only too well – the exclusion of women from political, public and professional life that has left the scars of inequality across all areas of our lives, shaping our behaviour, our fears and what we consider to be possible for us. Putting the external barriers to one side, she focuses on these internal effects and how they manifest in our thought processes.

“While we’ve done a great deal of work collectively, especially over the last forty years, to remove external barriers to women’s empowerment, we have not taken the same close look at the internal legacy of inequality and how to change it. We have a lot of inner unlearning and relearning to do.”

In coming to terms with this and preparing to Play Big, Mohr cites many sources that make up the themes within the book, (business school training, psychology, spiritual texts) and they do emerge strongly with anecdotes and exercises. Much of what she talks about centres on the ‘voices’ we can hear. She calls them the ‘inner critic’ (the voice of self-doubt that is there as an expression of the safety instinct) and the ‘inner mentor’ both of which I’m sure many people can easily relate to.  Practical steps, questions to ask oneself, and thought experiments are listed, designed to help you deal with your critic (give them a name!) and amplify your mentor, who she says you can grow into. She describes this latter process as “being pulled by this resonant vision rather than pushing to achieve markers of success”. Following what pulls you… Or what calls you.

Part of the purpose of the Inner Mentor is to be able to access a ‘truer’ part of us that knows what we want, but also to provide the space for the vision of what we could be, which is usually stunted or non-existent given the realities of what we see around us and what has gone before us. This is the idea that it’s not about working harder, but smarter… A life less complex, not more. Where to focus energies, a bit like the philosophy of Essentialism.

“Our inner mentors don’t ask us to strive more, work harder or push. Instead they show us simpler, easier, but highly effective – and authentic – way forward… The inner mentor gives us specific, vibrant, compelling vision so that we don’t have to depend on what we can see to prescribe what we can be… What is required will come from within as much as from without.”

Much of the book forces a pause to stop and think about our approaches and attitudes to ourselves and the situations within which we find ourselves, particularly as women. I found her round up of ‘Principles for Unhooking from Praise and Criticism’ helpful. This included filtering the feedback you receive from people by paying attention to the feedback that is ‘strategically useful’ to you and then letting the rest of what someone has said go. Focusing on what you can learn about yourself that will make you more effective. Another is titled ‘Criticism Hurts When It Mirrors What We Believe About Ourselves’ – which, likely needs no explanation. These principles and other themes and ideas in the book are sprinkled with anecdotes Tara recites from the women she’s met and spoken to – many are quite insightful and they have just enough detail to get the core points across.

Although it won’t be news to most people, the book also directly references the evolutionary-based judgements we make when we first meet people (How warm is this person? How competent is this person?). This is the premise for the book Compelling People, which I’ve written about previously and Mohr mentions. She goes further than the original text, to say that women must work harder to come across as both of these things and can often struggle to get the balance right. A tightrope many women find themselves walking, most acutely within a professional environment. She then goes on to offer some helpful, practical steps and gives examples to help navigate this dichotomy more easily (including recording your speech and looking for habits and patterns where you may inadvertently undermine yourself… Eek!).

“Women are often caught in a double bind with their communications, dumbing down how powerfully we come across in order to be perceived as more likeable.”

I nearly laughed when I read one what she calls her ‘hiding strategies’, reasons why we may not Play Big – I’ve seen it play out in the fresh so many times with friends and family members. The idea that we must have the relevant credentials or some kind of certificate of authority, to work within, or even have an opinion on, a subject that interests us. I have seen countless of my friends not embarking on any new project or wanting to take on a new role, without having the ‘qualifications’ they feel are a pre-requisite, often meaning they never start their project at all. Or maybe it’s more about requiring outside validation which is deeply conditioned in so many of us. Mohr calls this a ‘hiding strategy’ which sounds about right.

There is one final point that caused me to reflect on my own behaviour. Towards the end of the book, as part of a couple of chapters on finding your ‘calling’ (which has a lot of useful exercises and additional resources online) Mohr writes – “There is no such thing as self-discipline! What really looks like self-discipline is a wide array of motivations that result in consistent actions”. Hmm. As someone who considers themselves to be a highly self-disciplined person, this was a really interesting viewpoint – is it not really self-discipline that’s motivating me but deeper intrapersonal goals? Following this, she discusses,  ‘gift goals’ – reframing what we want to achieve in a way that means we harness intrinsic motivation to complete it. An example might be, ‘give myself financial security’ rather than ‘sort out my financial mess’. I guess it’s back to the this ‘pull’ notion of a larger force again – if it feels like work you’re probably on the wrong track. It’s not really about forcing yourself to do anything or being self critical (or letting your inner critic drive the narrative) because you’re not doing something, but really about nurturing what comes more easily to you… Self-support rather than self-discipline. Certainly something to think about.

Gift-goals have a magnetic pull on us because they are an expression of what we truly desire.

Although this book had some strong spiritual elements which are not normally within my preferred texts, I really enjoyed Playing Big. I thought the practical elements were realistic in their application and manageable in scope for people to try out, and to build upon and have begun using the techniques myself… Slowly. It’s a book I’ll definitely come back to again and again… And I’ve also already bought more copies for friends to help them find, manage and set free their ‘inner voices’… And to see how they might start to Play a little Bigger.

At first glance this is a fairly unassuming book. It certainly does not scream bad graphics and self-help like some of the other contenders for your attention on the shelf. Similarly, it doesn’t have an authors name plastered all over it, in fact, it’s a bit of effort to even figure out who wrote it. It comes from the School of Life series which could easily be mistake for a joke book or something you might have as bathroom reading.

But this book is no joke. In fact, it probably struck more chords with me when it came to think about my career fundamentals than any other book, so far. It’s a very easy read and although there is no named author, it has a conversational tone and uses short stories and analogies in order to explain its concepts along with some small practical exercises to help you think about where the origins if desires came when thinking about what you want to do for a living.

Although the exercises are short, doing them takes quite a lot of thinking time, especially when some of them ask you to really analyse why it is that you think the way you do – and most of us are not very well versed in this level of deeper thought. I had to practice even though I have, in that past, thought quite a lot about these topics. I found it easier to think about them deeply for a while, but then to also have them in the back of mind to revisit over time – as sometimes what you have in the depths of your mind, and your motivations or memories are not readily available and can be triggered later. Sometimes by something completely unrelated that can cause unusual things to fall into consciousness.

The book spends a fair amount of pages exploring why it is so difficult for some of us to really examine what is in our minds and hearts:

‘Even when we accept that working out what to do is something we’ll need to devote much attention to over many years, we come up against a further, and much more puzzling, problem: how difficult it is to know the nature of our own minds.

Our brains are fatefully badly equipped to interpret and understand themselves. We cannot sit down and simply enquire of ourselves directly what we might want to do with our working lives – in the way we might ask ourselves what we would favour eating. The ‘we’ retires, falls silent and fragments under examination.’

One of the most useful exercises in the book is the pleasure points of work. It lists a number of different positive outcomes of work and helps you figure out which of these you most identify with based on some of the examples, such as, ’the pleasure of creativity’ or ’the pleasure of technology’. You could imagine them on sliding scales and attempt to mentally plot yourself on them to understand your career based motivators, which are generally different or have different weightings in everyone. It also then goes on to discuss various blockers or ‘obstacles’ that may be preventing you from understanding your life’s calling – these could be sense of duty or being too invested in our current job.

It also has other small exercises that I haven’t come across before – like one where you can imagine yourself having an interview with an employee of where you might work – one of your potential or desired career paths. I thought some of the questions were useful – ones that I would consider using even in an interview if it were appropriate, either when someone is looking to join my team or I’m even if I’m looking to join someone else’s.

• How do you feel on a Monday morning?
• Who do you admire at work? What is it about them you admire?
• Do you think you are suited to your job? In what ways? (pros and cons)

The book is short and to the point which I think is another of its strengths. Although it gives numerous examples to help you apply the thinking to your own views on work, it doesn’t labour the point or take long detours with stories or anecdotes that don’t add very much. The last part of the book called ‘Consolations’ takes a different tone, a more reflective one. It highlights some historic factors where relevant for example talking how things these days are quite different from the past:

“In 19th Century England, a respectable father could have his daughter locked up in an asylum if she persisted in a wish to become an actress or singer… Then in the early 20th century, under the sway of a romantic ideology, societies gradually freed themselves from class and parental structures. In two central areas – love and work – parents ceded power to their children, leaving choices in the hands of every son and daughter. We were liberated to marry whomever we liked and to do – professionally – whatever we pleased.”

This can make parts of it not that memorable; when I came to write this I had to refresh my thoughts but it is a small handy reference book that I will definitely be going back to periodically, perhaps the next time I’m on holiday and have the mental space to give to deep thought.